Family Restructuring Therapy - Interventions with High Conflict Separations and Divorces

CHAPTER 1

The Philosophy and Theory of Family Resturcturing Therapy

Family Restructuring Therapy is an active, directive process that assists families in conflict to modify maladaptive interactions. It can also be used to assist lower-conflict “normal” families to heal from divorce and to move toward a new level of cooperation and functionality.

Family Restructuring Therapy is future-oriented and action-focused. It teaches parents to co-parent, to develop concrete and practical parenting plans, and can also work in reuniting parents with alienated children. The central focus is the needs of the children. Children need as many healthy and appropriate parents meaningfully involved in their lives as possible. Children do not need to be thrust into making adult decisions, such as how to divide up their time between parents, and they need to be protected from parental conflict. The next chapter will address these issues in more detail.

The problems that exist in high-conflict divorced families are not limited to one family member; all family members are affected. It is for this reason that a systemic approach is utilized that views the family system as the client, rather than the individual members. The family members all own part of the symptoms, so all family members must be part of the treatment. As a therapist, many times I have been asked to see a child individually from a split family that is not doing well. Typically, I refuse. What I tell the parents instead is that I first need to meet with the parents to see:

(a)  if they have the same view of the child’s symptoms,

(b)  if there are divorce issues which are likely creating stress on the child,

(c)  how they are attempting to treat the child’s symptoms, and

(d)  whether it is a problem that should be treated through individual counselling with the child or if, in fact, the work needs to be done first with the parents to see if they can make changes that allow the child to be healthier.

Family Restructuring Therapy makes an explicit demand for family members to change observable behaviours. It can go as far as telling the parent, “I expect you to change how you behave, not necessarily how you feel”. The focus is on what takes place between family members more so than what is going on within each family member. This approach examines interactions between different subsystems as well as the system as a whole. Another aspect of the family being a system is that systems are resistant to change. It is for this reason that nondirective talk therapy at best does not work with high-conflict divorce families and at worst exacerbates the problems.

Family Restructuring Therapy “blames” the family dynamic and ineffective patterns of problem-solving and communication, rather than pointing fingers at an individual. Even in an extreme case where there has been an alienated child, the goal is not to have the child establish a relationship with the estranged parent and see that the alienating parent is evil; instead, the goal is to have the child meaningfully involved with both parents.

The goal of Family Restructuring Therapy is to effect a change in the family system …

It is easier to be successful when the therapist is able to blame the processes (communication, problem solving, rule setting, etc.) rather than blaming individual members. All family members are seen to be part of the problem and all family members are seen to be part of the solution, with the vast majority of responsibility being placed squarely upon the parents to act like parents/adults. The goal of Family Restructuring Therapy is to effect a change in the family system which reflects the changes to the structure of the family created by the divorce.

Family Restructuring Therapy is an educational process as well as a therapeutic one. The parents are taught to understand the effect that conflict and divorce have on children and are encouraged to view the family from the child’s perspective, not from their own perspective. The parents need to be taught to communicate, perhaps better than ever before, regarding the needs of the children while also establishing firm personal boundaries to prevent their own personal relationship difficulties from negatively affecting their role as co-parents.

I have often told parents that they need to view the situation as if they are living in a “divorce duplex” in which the child has his or her own door to move back and forth, but that there is a wall the parents cannot pass through which represents their personal boundaries. In the divorce duplex you can hear what is going on over the fence and sometimes even see the other side. However, unless invited, or in the case of an extreme emergency, each parent must respect the privacy of the other parent.

Simply put, with Family Restructuring Therapy, the therapist is a teacher, coach, parenting expert and advisor who utilizes his or her extensive experience working with families to lead the families into a new, productive level of functioning. The therapist takes control of the parenting relationship, addresses practical aspects of communication, problem solving and parenting, while leaving the responsibility for parenting to the parents.

The importance of being future-oriented cannot be overstated. I have an initial individual session with each parent where I often state, “This session allows you to tell me the whole story just so you know that I have heard it. It is not really important that I do hear it, but after today I am not going to let you talk about the past; as the only part of your lives we can influence is the present and the future.” Talking about past issues tends to have a focus on laying blame, and, as all memory is imperfect and biased, and given the fact that mental health professionals cannot read minds, the absolute truth about previous events can never be known. So rather than discussing whose fault it was that an important school project was not exchanged at the last transfer of the children, the discussion focuses on how transfers in the future can be more effective.

Developmental Advantages and Disadvantages of Shared Parenting

Definitions

“Shared parenting” is not a new concept. It was referred to by Taylor in 1989 as a new way for parents to describe their desire to remain actively involved with their children, despite the demise of the nuclear family structure. Taylor further pointed out that some intact families would not meet the definition for shared parenting and that it is largely determined by time availability, parental skill and desire.

Many terms, and even more definitions, exist regarding parental involvement with their children after divorce. Terms such as custody, access, residence and parenting are combined with other terms such as sole, joint, dual and primary. Often, financial obligations and time limits accompany such definitions. For example, in Canada, shared custody is defined as an arrangement in which the children spend a minimum of 40% of the time living with each parent, an arrangement that has significant implications on child support payments. American definitions separate legal shared parenting, where decision-making is shared, and physical shared parenting, where the children move residences each week (Benjamin & Irving, 1989).

For the purposes of this document, the term “shared parenting” (also referred to as co-parenting) will be defined as both parents being meaningfully involved with their children and neither parent being able to make unilateral decisions, unless certain decisions have been delegated to them by the Court or by the other parent.

Thompson (2004) discussed refinements to the 1996 Gordon v. Goertz decision which identified primary caregivers as the parent who looks after the countless, essential, day-to-day tasks of parenting such as lunches, play dates, homework, clothing, appointments and the like.

Developmental Challenges Associated with Divorce

In general, children from divorced families have more adjustment difficulties than children from intact families, regardless of the custody arrangements (Dacey, Kenny and Margolis, 2000). In addition, the phenomena referred to as the “sleeper effect” suggests that negative impacts of divorce on children may not become manifest until adolescence (Jaffe, 1998). Hayes (2010) stated multiple studies have demonstrated the negative effects of parental conflict on children. Fidler and Bala (2010) reported that when high-conflict parental behaviour is combined with child alienation, the risk to the well-being of the child is even greater. It is not the physical presence of one or two parents in the lives of the child that makes a difference; rather, it is the quality of interactions the child has with the parents they are involved with. In contrast, other authors state that children love, need and want both parents (Ricci, 1997). Children growing up in two-parent families can be significantly damaged if relationships are inappropriate or abusive with one or both parents. Adjustment difficulties that are possible for children of divorce include increased rates of drug and alcohol use, school and community behavioural problems, school performance difficulties, interpersonal relationship difficulties with members of the opposite sex, precocious sexual activity and a more negative view of marriage. As adults, children of divorce may experience lower levels of occupational attainment and higher rates of divorce (Steinberg, 2002).

Distance between parental homes is another factor to consider, as the normal development of teenagers...