Of the Dragonfly

Chapter 4

BLUE ANGEL

“Oh, my goodness!” A spray of water hit me in the face. “Did you see that?” My stomach ached from laughing. I licked the salt from my lips and bent over the metal rail. More water splashed me, and I laughed even harder.

“I feel so alive!” I wiped my eyes and looked down at my feet. They were bare, and my toenails were polished a candy pink. Beyond them, all I saw was blue—a living, shimmering sea of blue, rippling with what looked like specks of luminous diamonds.

“The water’s warm today,” I said, not even sure to whom I was talking.

I wiped my face and looked around. Where was I? I looked out at the water. It was as though I knew exactly where I was, yet at the same time had never been there before. I stood up. Frigatebirds circled in the sky, their powerful black bodies soared above us in search of food. There was barely a cloud to be seen, and the horizon equalled the colour of the sea it bled into.

“Wait a second.” The boat cut through the waves and I bounced at the tip of the bow. “I think I’ve been here before.” I tightened my grip on the rail and planted my feet to balance myself. Sprays of water beaded on my skin, cooling me in the heat of the sun. There was blue below me and blue above me.

“Oh, yes,” I said a second later. I gazed out at the most pristine, turquoise water I had ever seen. How could I have forgotten this blue, even if only for a moment? It was the warm and clear waters of the Caribbean—the Bahamas, to be precise. Now I knew without a doubt I was back home.

Arching my head back, I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply through my nose. Something squeaked below me. I looked down and saw four of them below my feet. Breaching and rolling, they pushed through the water with effortless grace. “Hey there,” I said, pulling the windblown strands of hair from my eyes. Yes, there they were—the dolphins.

“My God, you’re beautiful.”

It was as though they were there only for me, calling for me. They had been waiting, in their divine loveliness, as only angels are blessed to see. In this moment, I was the angel, and it was they who had invited me.

Two of the dolphins breached the water only feet from where my fingertips dangled. They dared me to touch them; I dared myself to join them. “You are the most marvellous creatures I’ve ever seen.” I stretched my arm. “Oh, how I’ve missed you.”

I lifted my head and glanced behind me. I stood up quickly. There he was, standing tall, watching me.

He smiled.

His hair blew in the wind. I turned and faced him. His eyes were the colour of the sky and the water. Dressed in white linen, with the buttons on his shirt undone, he was at least six feet tall and could have easily stepped out of a men’s fitness magazine.

I smiled back at him.

Not only was he breathtaking, he was also mine. This I knew. I didn’t know how I knew, I just knew. We were in love, and we were right where we were supposed to be—together, in sync with the dolphins. I remembered now.

Splash! More water sprayed me. I laughed again. I turned away from him and leaned over the rail to look down on our visitors. Now there were six of them, Atlantic spotted dolphins, bow riding—catching a free ride with us by riding on the pressure wave in front of the boat. They communicated with a succession of clicks and squeaks. Were they laughing too? They were playful creatures, and I had to fight the urge to join them. It would have been so easy.

A wave struck the boat. “Ow!” I whacked my wrist on the rail. It hurt, but not enough to stop me from reaching for the dolphins again.

I pushed up on my toes and extended as far as my arms would allow. Drops of water fell from my fingertips. If I had been a princess of the sea, the drops would have been diamonds, not water, and they would have been my gifts for all who lived in these cerulean depths. How could I be any happier?

I turned to look at him again. He was sitting on the bench now, his face hidden behind a camera. I blushed. Behind the camera, I saw only a trace of a grin as he snapped pictures of me, capturing this moment—the most perfect moment of my life. I could have stayed here forever. I was in love with this man and we were moving at the speed of our friends below, the sun our only witness.

“Here comes the sun little darlin”, Nina Simone’s voice sang through my alarm clock.

“Oh, the sun,” I said as I listened to the lyrics of my favourite song.

I rolled over and focused my eyes on the faint glow coming from the window. What happened? Why was it dark? I scanned my surroundings, recognizing the furniture, the mirror, and the bathroom at the far end of the room. I recognized the red digits of the alarm clock.

I was back in my room, in my house. I turned off the radio. Carlos and Cali remained asleep, curled tightly in their spots, paws covering their eyes. I looked up at the ceiling. The turquoise radiance of my dream was gone. I remembered it was Sunday, so I wasn’t sure why my alarm clock had gone off.

I rolled over to the other side of the bed, pulling the blankets with me. Carlos expressed his displeasure with a throaty meow. Why was I here when an instant earlier, I had been . . . ?

I sat up and looked around again. Panic rose in me. They were gone.

“The dolphins—my dolphins!”

I thought of him. He also was gone. I folded over, as if punched in the gut. Nausea weakened me, and my chest tightened as though it were going to implode. I couldn’t breathe.

“No, no, no!” Carlos and Cali watched as I burst into tears. “I don’t want to be here . . . please . . .” I grabbed a Kleenex and wiped my eyes. “It was real . . . too real.”

I sobbed, not understanding the magnitude of my emotions. “How could anything feel so real?” The cats stared at me. If it were only a dream, why did it hurt this much, and why had my body reacted so strongly? Was it the glimpse—the possibility—of something greater for my life? Something more than office work and mortgages? Was it the possibility of love?

“Damn it!” I said, though nastier words crossed my mind. “This wasn’t just love. This was true love.” Cali meowed. Both cats looked at me with little interest now. Carlos stood up and stretched, his body elongating as his mouth opened into a fierce yawn. Cali meowed again. They were hungry, but I ignored them.

“What an idiot I am. How could I let myself dream something this wonderful?” The hurt turned to anger. “He wasn’t real, the dolphins weren’t real, none of it was real. It was only a dream.”

I lay there, not wanting to accept that I had to pick up where I’d left off. It may have only been a fragment of a dream, but it was more than anything I had ever experienced. I had never felt so alive—never. Now I was alone, deflated and lying in my bed, desperate to make sense of it. I couldn’t believe he was gone, vanished into the early hours of a Sunday morning. It was as though I had touched Heaven, but only for a second. Now I had to step away, knowing it would never happen again. It was harsh and it was cruel.

And then there were the dolphins. How would I ever be with them again? I wouldn’t reach for them, and they would never invite me. Those moments would never be captured. There were no pictures, and no man behind the camera.

I tried to stop myself—to stop thinking of him. Who was he? We were in love, I was sure of that. He was everything I would never come to know. My head pounded and the tears flowed, soaking my pillow beneath my cheek.

“Hold on . . . the wet pillow . . . those mornings of waking up crying.” I sat up and looked at the blotches of tears left on the pillowcase. This wasn’t the first time I had dreamt of him. It couldn’t have been. “I’ve been there before, many times.” This was, however, the first time I had remembered it. “How could anything as amazing as this be erased from my mind?” I dabbed my chin and fell back down. Maybe my heart knew I wouldn’t be able to handle it.

“Am I insane?” I patted Cali on the head. Both cats sat at the edge of my pillow. Carlos pawed at my face. “Is that a yes?”

But it was possible. I wasn’t insane for dreaming what I was dreaming, only for allowing it to hurt me. I had been defeated again and again by my own imagination. In my most vulnerable hours, I was breaking my own heart. On some level, this had to be insanity. My stomach hurt at the thought.

An hour passed before I gave in to the cries of the cats. I may have been broken, but they were hungry, and it wasn’t right for all of us to suffer. I rolled out of bed and grabbed my housecoat. I wandered down the stairs and followed the floor tiles to the pantry. Bending over, I hunted for the scoop inside the bag of cat food. Carlos and Cali cried for me to hurry. I filled their bowls and then sat down at the table. Cold and numb, I stared out the window and watched the traffic go by.

“It’s Sunday morning, for crying out loud.”

Where was everyone going? Were they searching for something too? I giggled. How ridiculous this was. I was grieving over something that was only a dream.

“Of course it seemed real. That’s the magic of dreams. So what if this one was different. It’s over now. Get your head together, Ev. It’s time to come back down to earth.” The cats looked up at me. “Oh, to be a cat,” I said. They resumed eating their food.

Back in the pantry, I rifled through the cereal boxes. This time it was going to be Raisin Bran. Cereal was becoming an all-too-frequent meal. It was simple and...